-Sirach 2:3
I Believe, Help My Unbelief
One area that I have periodically struggled with in my years of ministry is doubting God and the teachings of the Church. This may strike some as ironic or even hypocritical for someone who has dedicated their life to helping others believe in God. Early in my ministry this was a source of shame and frustration to me. I would think to myself "what business do I have being in ministry when I struggle to believe myself?" But gradually I became consoled by examples in Sacred Scripture of leaders in the faith who struggled with doubt. The first time I really took in the following passage about the Risen Christ's encounter with the Apostles, it blew my mind: "Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. And when they saw him they worshiped him; but some doubted." (Mt. 28: 16-17) How is it possible that Jesus Christ, resurrected from the dead, could stand right before you and yet you still doubt? Then there is "doubting Thomas" who had to put his fingers in the wound of the risen Christ before he would believe. We discover from St. Paul that he is frustrated with St. Mark because he had apparently backed out of one of the missionary journeys with Barnabas due to fear and doubt.
It became apparent to me that although these men were weak and doubted, they chose to believe and ultimately to lay their lives down for this belief. I think the key word here is "choice." Similar to love, belief is an act of the will accompanied by grace. It does not depend on how you may feel about something or someone at a particular moment. And so another key verse from Scripture for me is from the words of the father who wanted Jesus to heal his son: "I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mk. 9:24) This is what I think this verse from Sirach is getting at when it says to "cleave to him." Sometimes we just have to make the choice to cling to Jesus even when we may not see things clearly or may not feel like it. We have to acknowledge that he will supply for any deficiency we have in believing in Him!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What It Means to Me...
The author of Sirach goes on to say that cleaving to God will lead to honor, or respect, at the end of one's life. While it is good to have the respect and trust of others in ministry, another snare we can fall into in our work is becoming consumed with seeking human respect rather than God's respect. As I mentioned in the first post of this series on Sirach, I have struggled at times with taking my identity in being successful in ministry rather than being a son of God. I have discovered that a lot of people in ministry, like myself, are people pleasers. We just want to make others happy. But what happens when the truths we proclaim or the way we minister does not please someone? With no shortage of what a former pastor called "chronic complainers" at every church, we are bound to ruffle someone's feathers, regardless of our best intentions.
The Lord has taught me that if I am going to last in working for the church, I have to surrender my desire to always please people. After all, sometimes the truth, no matter how gently you share it with others, can be offensive to them. Sometimes people are angry or jealous of you for no good reason. I had to learn that I can't control what people think or how they feel about me. Whenever I have become more concerned about what others think or feel, rather than what God thinks, it has not ended well. And so I have learned to cling to God alone and let him remind me that he is pleased with my efforts to serve him, and that is all that really matters in the end.
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